Rules of Dating
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: Sirius Black's rules of dating
1. Rules

Title: Rules of Dating

Summary: Sirius Black's rules of dating

A/n I really don't know where this came from. I was trying to sleep and it wouldn't go away!

Hello, I'm Sirius Black, and I'm going to teach you guys how to pick up chicks and how to behave on a date. Right, now the first thing you have to remember is not to make rude comments. I mean, you don't want to walk over to the best-looking girl in school and ask her if she wants to boink. That's the worst mistake a guy could make. No, we save that for the second date, if you even get a second chance, that is.

And, while I'm on the subject of rude comments, pick-up lines count, too. No girl wants to become interested in you when all you can say for yourself is, "Hey, baby, are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day long." or something like that. I know, I've tried. And I've had my spleen relocated because of it.

The second thing you really need to know is, don't be ugly. No girl wants an ugly guy. Poor Peter's going to be single his whole life. But, back to the ugly thing. You can always fix that with a spell or potion. Although, you could always screw that up, too, and become even uglier.

But then again, no girl wants you prettier than them, so don't overdo it.

Next, if you're immature, WAIT! No girl wants an immature idiot screwing around and trying to snog her face off. Grow up or take an Aging Potion. Especially if your name is James Potter. Ha, sorry, James, just had to squeeze you in here somewhere.

Next, if you're lucky enough to get a good-night kiss, don't try to suck her face off. It's nasty and she'll never, ever, ever, ever, EVER! speak to you again. And she might curse you to oblivion if you do that. Just give her a peck on the cheek and bid her good-night. It makes girls all jello in the knees.

If you ever do get a date, make sure you've got flowers, candy, a plush animal, or all of the above. Girls won't think you like them if you don't bring them something. Jewelry works fine, too.

If her parents are the kind of parents whom you have to meet before taking their daughter out, don't prank them. Or embarass yourself in any way, really. Just be polite, calm, answer their questions honestly, or dishonestly, whichever you choose. Don't piss off her dad, especially if he's seven feet tall and three hundred pounds of muscle. Don't think about how hot her mum is, and definately DO NOT THINK ABOUT SCREWING THEIR DAUGHTER IN THEIR BED! Who knows if the girl's parents can read minds.

Never EVER bring up the subject of sex. Let her do it. ANd that's all I'm saying on that matter.

Don't be late. Girls don't like that. When you're late, she'll think it's because you think more of yourself than of her. And, if you are, never offer a lame apology.

And, you know something? Girls like being told they're pretty, but only at certain times. If she's crying her eyes out, don't tell her she's pretty. She's kill you. Women snap just like that.

Let's review, shall we?

**1. NO RUDE COMMENTS. OR PICK-UP LINES.**

**2. DON'T BE UGLY.**

**3. DON'T BE PRETTIER THAN THE GIRL YOU'RE DATING.**

**4. BE MATURE.**

**5.TINY GOOD-NIGHT PECK.**

**6. TAKE A GIFT.**

**7. BE NICE TO HER PARENTS.**

**8. LET HER BRING UP THE HIBBITY-DIBBITY.**

**9. NEVER, EVER BE LATE.**

**10. TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY ONLY AT OPPORTUNE TIMES.**

And, there you have it. Sirius Black, signing off.


	2. Followup

Rules of Dating

Chapter 2: The follow-up

A/n Wow, I got some pretty good reviews for the first chapter, especially considering I was half-asleep, so, I figured, why not let Sirius show off his rules and what kind of effect they'll have? So, here you go.

Hello, again. Sirius Black here. I suppose you didn't get enough of me? Just kidding. Anywho, I, along with my friends, and a few female volunteers, are going to show you what happens when you break, and follow, the rules.

**Rule 1: NO RUDE COMMENTS. OR PICK-UP LINES.**

James here is going to demonstrate the wrong way of doing thing. James?

James heads over to Lily, who is with a few of her friends. He puts his arm around her shoulder and asks, "Pardon me, do you have a map?"

She glares. "Why?"

"Because I keep getting lost in your eyes." Moments later, James is groaning in pain, clutching his stomach.

Ouch, too bad, James. Remus, go show him how it's done.

Remus nods and walks ove rto the girls. "Hello, ladies. Mind if I join you?" The girls glance around at each other and nod.

See? Simple. Now to Rule Number Two.

**Rule 2: DON'T BE UGLY.**

Peter, go show them.

Peter walks over to two girls chattering and painting each other's nails. "Hello." he began. Before he could continue, they gave him a look like he was diseased and moved further away.

Tough break, Wormtail. James, your turn.

James heads over to the girls. "Hi." he grins. They glance up at him and grin, too.

"Hi." they giggled, moving over to make room for him.

Wow, James, nice one. I could've done it better, though.

**Rule 3: DON'T BE PRETTIER THAN THE GIRL YOU'RE DATING.**

It breaks the girl's ego, see. Moony, go.

Remus walks over to a brunette with grey eyes. They start talking, but she keeps turning him down for a date. "Why not?" Remus asks.

"Because, you look better than I do. It wouldn't look right."

Aw, so sad, Moony. I'm sorry. James, you do it the right way.

James nods, and heads over to Lily. "Hey, Lily."

"Hello, James."

"Can I ask something?"

She sighs. "Sure."

"Am I prettier than you?" She scoffs. "I'll take that as a no. Wanna go out?"

"Sure."

Yay, go Prongs! Ahem, back to Rule Number Four.

**Rule 4: BE MATURE.**

For this one, we've followed James and Lily. Ssshhh, don't say anything.

James is goofing off, laughing and pranking people behind their backs. Lily is growing more and more angry. "James, GROW UP!" she finally snaps, walking off.

Ha! I mean, that's dreadful. So sorry, mate. Remus, this one's perfect for you.

Remus is with a blonde with green eyes. They are having an interesting conversation, and he is not acting out.

Perfect, Moony.

**Rule 5: TINY GOOD-NIGHT PECK.**

I wanted to do this one. James, you do the wrong way.

James, instead of brushing a kiss against Lily's cheek, gives her a deep French kiss. She slaps him.

Ha, my turn!

Sirius walks over to a girl with black hair, and brushes a quick kiss on her cheek and goes back to his narration position.

See? No face-fives for me.

**Rule 6: TAKE A GIFT.**

I love this one. Especially if something goes wrong.

Remus is with the blonde girl when he accidentally insults her. And, since he has nothing to give her to make up for it, she walks off.

Painful. James?

James and Lily are together, when he as accidentally insults her. She goes to slap him again, but he shields himself with a pink teddy bear. "Aw, James, I love you!" Lily cooes, hugging him.

**Rule 7: BE NICE TO HER PARENTS.**

Oh, God. I really don't want to see this one.

James is talking to Lily's father. "You know, something, Sir? That is a nice toupee." The next second, James is running out of the house, dishes and an armchair flying after him.

Oh, my. James, put some ice on that, or something.

Remus is talking with the blonde girl's father, answering every question with a yes sir, or a no, sir. He's not being rude in any way.

Great going, Moony.

**Rule 8: LET HER BRING UP THE HIBBITY-DIBBITY.**

I don't want to see this, either. But, James, show us the wrong way, please.

"Lily, want to go at it like two ferrets?" James asked. Lily sighed, and poured her butterbeer on his head.

Two... ferrets? James, what is wrong with you!

Remus is talking again to the blonde girl. "Want to go someplace where we can be alone?" she asks.

"OK."

That... that never happens for me.

**Rule 9: NEVER, EVER BE LATE.**

Moony, your turn to do the wrong way.

The blonde is standing outside of The Three Broomsticks, staring at her watch and shaking her head. After ten minutes, she leaves.

Wow, I feel so bad for you, Remus. James, be early, please.

James is waiting for Lily ten minutes early. She shows up five minutes later and together, they head inside.

So cute. And finally, Rule Number Ten.

**Rule 10: TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY ONLY AT OPPORTUNE MOMENTS.**

Remember, never when she's upset.

Lily is upset about something. She begins to cry. James walks up. "Lily, what's wrong?" she shakes her head. "Um, you're pretty?"

She glares. "I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT, YOU PILE OF BAT DROPPINGS!" she shouts as James runs for cover.

Meanwhile, Remus is with his blonde buddy. She sighs. "Remus, am I pretty?" she asks.

"Yeah, you're very pretty."

"THANK YOU!"

And there you have it. What could go wrong and what could go right. Sirius Black, signing off, but I will be back.

A/n

I just felt this had to be done. I'm sorry if it sucks.


End file.
